What Responsive Parenting Is + 4 Signs Of Emotional Warmth - Joanna Bel (2024)

Are you one of those who are not sure if your parenting is responsive parenting?

Maybe someone questioned it recently. Or you’re afraid your experience with your parents has affected your capability to live up to responsive parenting. Or on the other hand, you’re one of those who believe they are 100% emotionally responsive parents but still want to check out what we pointed out here.

Whatever it is, you’ve definitely hit the right page if you want to know more about responsive parenting or be sure you’re one of these parents.

Responsive parenting means being attentive to the child’s emotional and other needsby developinga sensitive and sensible (perceptive) reception to what the child requires and providing a response suitable for the child’s developmental phase.

This means that to be able to respond optimally, you need to show empathy – be receptive to the child’s emotions, and decenter – understand their point of view (separately from your point of view). And you need to understand if the response is suitable for the child’s developmental phase.

When you become aresponsive parent you:

• acknowledge a child’s unique position (concerning positions of power, dependence, developmental stage, etc),
• you show interest in the child’s perception (point of view) and their emotions
• and you’re respecting their perception and their emotions.

So, in this post, we’ll be covering what responsive parenting really is in more detail.

Then we’ll talk about the ways you can show your children you love them by following certain logical guidelines.

And, in the last part, we’ll show you how to detect your level of responsiveness, by pointing out the positives and the issues through 4-type indicators. Naturally, the issues are things you want to avoid if you want to fit responsive parenting.

And as a BONUS, there will be an actionable tip for you to follow after you’ve recognized how emotionally responsive you are as a parent and that you need to change something.

So at the end of it, you can be sure your kid will be raised on positive foundations, so you can be proud of yourself and them!

Let’s dive in!

Note: Even though I am a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I am not your licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). This means engaging with our website is not considered a professional social worker and client relationship. This also means you should not consider this information as professional advice. Although we do put in every reasonable effort to provide the most accurate and reliable information, this does not replace professional advice, and you should not rely only on them. You still might need to consult a professional to introduce your particular situation, issue, problem, or position. Read our full Disclaimer here.

A SMALL ENCOURAGEMENT BEFORE YOU UNCOVER IF YOU’RE A RESPONSIVE PARENT

Now, both positives and issues aren’t set in stone, which means they’re prone to change. Considering we’re affected by our heritage, social environment, by our good and bad experiences, as well as the constant process of learning.

So don’t overthink or worry too much because you can always put things under control if you remember that things can change and you can manage that change.

You should always keep this in mind for 2 simple reasons:

• If you’re experiencing issues and difficulties with something, you can always learn new ways to do things and unlearn what you’ve recognized is no longer serving you.
• Also, family life can have periods of crises, where you might be struggling to preserve stability because the crisis is affecting your parenting.

What can always help in both situations, is relying on our personal strengths. Which makes them super important for recognizing, identifying, and using!

In periods of crisis, they can keep you safe, while when you need to make a change they’re the ones who can support the process of going through change.

Now, more about strengths we should leave to one of the next blog posts, and we should focus on our topic of responsive parenting now. So let’s dive in!

WHAT IS MEANT BY RESPONSIVE PARENTING?

As we said – what is meant by responsive parenting is that a parent is attentive to the child’s needsby developinga sensitive and sensible (perceptive) reception to what the child requires and providing a response suitable for the child’s developmental phase.In simpler words – when there is emotionally warm and responsive parenting, then children are certain they’re loved, cherished, and respected enough as persons, as human beings.

The dimension called ”emotional warmth and responsiveness” is one of the several parenting capacity dimensions.

Then this in combination with the right amount of positive discipline and proper guidance and structure from a parent leads to more stability, confidence, stronger identity, solid integrity, more functional relationships, personal and social responsibility in children, and more!

If you’re curious about the other parenting capacity dimensions, I have a blog post that covers this, after finishing with this parenting capacity dimension. Just follow this link.

But emotionally responsive parenting is sometimes confused with responsible parenting. And even though these two are close-knit, they’re not the same.

Except for the obvious similarity of the words, this can also happen because, usually, the parents that fit (emotionally warm and) responsive parenting, are also meeting the ”criteria” for responsible parenting.

For example, considering they show empathy so they ”re able to recognize the child’s emotions and needs, they provide basic care, they’re stimulating the kids, keep them safe, etc.

BUT, what happens if a parent is overly protective so he/she caters to any possible child’s need at any given time and place?

What do you think about this? Is this parent showing emotional responsiveness? Let me know how you see it in the comments.

Now, let’s explore it a bit more.

UNDERSTANDING RESPONSIVE PARENTING THROUGH 2 EXAMPLES

Let’s continue. First of all, over time a kid starts to feel smothered by this parent’s care (over-protection) because with growing up, the need for independence and autonomy grows too. And this doesn’t go hand in hand with overly protective parenting. So all of us as parents need to step back gradually.

And the need for protecting a child is, of course, totally natural and logical. It can be hard for parents to withdraw, because of the sense of purpose the care gives. So what I can say to you is to be brave.

You’ll thank yourself in 10 years when your children are competent to do anything in life by themselves!

It’s just that, any parent needs to learn that when a child’s developmental phase is seeking independence, the parent’s urge for protecting the child (or a parent’s fear) needs to come second.

So we put this child’s needs first while being there for the child. That’s protection too, that’s care too, that’s love too. It’s just modified because the child’s needs are changing.

But if we don’t do this on time or at all, our parenting can start distancing itself from responsive parenting. This is the case because:

• a child now doesn’t feel so good emotionally anymore,
• and also, this way a process of a child evolving into an autonomous person is jeopardized.

While at the same time, we might still be considered responsible as parents, especially if we decide to do something to change this.

And this is just one example, just to put these 2 terms into perspective (responsible parenting vs. responsive parenting) and why they should be separated. Considering you can often see them wrapped in one phenomenon.

Emotional Warmth and responsiveness is a dimension of parental capacity. While being a responsible parent is broader and it has to do with more of these dimensions.

RESPONSIVE PARENTING AS A CONTROVERSY

Also, this parenting capacity dimension can be misunderstood sometimes. Or its importance is underestimated.

And in the recent past, it was seen from a stereotypical perspective, where it was pointed out that a mother, has an ”emotional” role, while a father has an ”instrumental” role (we won’t focus on explaining this term at this moment, because of the focus of this blog post).

Thankfully, the family’s going through change nowadays, so the roles are not divided in this way, and things are more flexible.

As in many other things, a women’s work was often presented and positioned as less important (this is usually implied, not always said openly), and so was this. While at the same time vulnerability wasn’t or isn’t very welcome in men.

And emotions have been of course wrongly associated with being weak. I’d say they’re being associated nowadays too. When the truth is we all have emotions and we all need to have them.

So from this perspective, emotionally responsive parenting can be even called controversial. Especially if you remember how more sensitive men were usually (or are often) called. Maybe you’d say that’s a strong word, but you get the picture.

Therefore it’s important to understand it properly.But that’s not the main reason, of course! The main reason is its importance for raising a healthy and well-adjusted human.

Just think about most people you know that are denying the need for getting in touch with our emotions or emotionally connecting with others.

Would our first association with them be that they’re cheerful, fulfilled, and positive? Probably not.

Now what’s important here is not to oversimplify and understand it just as being emotional or warm.

As we pointed out in an example of a permissive parent or an over-protecting one – what’s important is the right balance between dependence and independence, protection and releasing, permissiveness and demandingness.

Also, this isn’t just related to kids’ parents. Kids need stable and safe relationships with all the other important adults surrounding them.

Children need them to be emotionally responsive and warm enough as well. Their grandparents for example.

You may want to read also:

• 100 Ways To Be Kind To Your Child

• 100 Ways To Show Your Children You Love Them Deeply

• What Is The Rejecting Parenting Style And Are You A Rejecting Parent?

• What Is The Permissive (Laissez Faire) Parenting Style And Its Characteristics And Effects?

• What Is Authoritarian Parenting Style And Who Are Authoritarian Parents?

WHY IS RESPONSIVE PARENTING IMPORTANT?

• for closeness and emotional warmth
• for connection
• to be seen, acknowledged as worthy, and treated as worthy
• for appreciation and visibility
• to be empowered and encouraged
• to be heard and understood
• to be reassured and comforted
• for having dependable, trustworthy, and reliable adults in their direct social environment
• to feel loved
• to be certain they have a responsible and competent parent
• to be guided and praised
• to feel respected, and worthy in situations when their identity intersects with age and maturity, race, religion, sexuality, disability, etc.
• physical touch they’re comfortable with.

HOW CAN PARENTS BE RESPONSIVE TOWARD THEIR CHILDREN?

Parents can be or become more responsive toward their child if they achieve good-enough responsiveness, whichassumes quick, well-timed, consistent, suitable actions and activities directed and targeted to answer to the needs of the child.

As we already stated, responsive parenting makes children feel appreciated, loved, and cherished.

And here are some general guidelines to help you in making sure children feel you’re emotionally warm and responsive as a parent.

#1 RESPONSIVE PARENTS SHOW THEY CARE

It’s quite logical because all of us want and need to feel appreciated, loved, and accepted. We all want to feel safe enough and to have control of our lives. Kids are no different.

I think we all know most of these things (or we at least think so), it’s practically self-explanatory, but it’s always a good thing to remember them and talk about them.

There are so many children out there who’re not lucky to experience all this:

Express your emotions and support them in expressing theirs.

Communicate openly and appropriately, and according to their age and maturity.

Hug them, touch them and kiss them in a way comfortable for them, and let them do the same.

Make them feel safe and protected.

Avoid overprotecting them.

Help them gain more and more independence as they mature.

Help them open up.

Trust them.

Make them feel worthy and respected.

You teach and show them in your example what it means to be responsible.
Ask them what they need and listen.

These sound so simple to do, but still how many times in life you’ve needed this but didn’t get it?

Be cognizant of this. And if you need a small push towards showing your child you care, check out my post How to Show Your Child You Care: 50 Transformational tips.

Let’s move to the next.

#2 RESPONSIVE PARENTS KNOW HOW TO SELF-REGULATE IN MANAGING MISTAKES AND MISBEHAVIOR

Your attitude towards mistakes and failures is important because you are modeling it for the kids.

But also, sometimes the criteria we put on kids can even be higher than for adults, because the ingrained belief that children are there just to obey (anyone, anytime) is so common, and it’s not even quite conscious.

This breaks my heart so often, especially when it’s killing the child-parent relationship.

So generally speaking, too much strictness is almost NEVER good and it’s ineffective. Especially in the long run.

At the same time, too much permissiveness, reflected in weak boundaries and discipline, is the opposite extreme you don’t want, too.

If you want to know more about the consequences too struct and too permissive parenting styles have on kids, you can find it in my post about 5 parenting styles.

So let’s see a few simple guidelines on mistakes and misbehavior.

Related:

I hope this makes sense, so we can move to the next.

#3 RESPONSIVE PARENTS ARE HONEST WITH THEIR KIDS

People will say this always sounds very nice but that’s not realistic, right? You’ve heard this a hundred times. But is it unrealistic, tough? Is ignorance really bliss?

I encourage you to think about how would you feel if you were your kids when you’re keeping important things from them.

Things that affect their lives, the changes, the big family problems that all of you live with every day.

Because, well, nobody can protect anybody from their own experience, good or bad, and if we don’t talk about what’s going, on it doesn’t mean that is not going on and that we don’t all witness it.

Just help the kids integrate things in their heads and in their hearts. And set a good example by doing it.

Just remember this:

Find a decent and age-appropriate way to tell them the truth so they understand what is happening around them.

Avoid hiding the problems from them. Instead, find a way to make them understand. Or really make them not worry if they’re too young to understand everything completely, by explaining the parts that affect them.

Because if they don’t understand and they (pretty much always) feel something is wrong, they will worry, show anxiety, and fear even more.

Avoid seeing and using the method of buying them off or bribing them as a common parental skill.

WHEN IN DOUBT ABOUT HONESTY

Now, this topic can cause certain confusion or doubt, because we all know those messages saying we should protect our kids from all harm and all that. And while that’s true in general or as a principle, that’s not to be taken as it’s said (literally).

So like most things, we need to balance things out, use common sense criteria, measure a bit, think about our situation, causes and consequence, etc.

What can help to put your situation in perspective is asking yourself:

Does a child have a right to know?
What happens if a child doesn’t know about it?
Which harm is bigger in the long run?
Are you sure there’s no harm in keeping it from them?
Is a child going to be in an unbearable state of not knowing what’s happening? Observe a child’s behavior – is a child showing signs of anxiety, fear, even agony, etc?
Does a child already know but it’s just you who can’t talk to them about their thought and feelings?
Always think about what/who are you actually protecting here? Is it them or something else?
Do your kids leave in delusion? Is this affecting their perception of your family life or even the world? Are they being unrealistic about their wants and desires because of it?

And so on and so forth. You don’t have to stop just with these questions, of course.

If a child is young, always remember that not knowing and not understanding what’s happening at all, can get to cause more harm than good because kids don’t have anywhere else to turn except you.

The kids can experience psychological issues or different psychosomatic consequences because they don’t feel safe. Just don’t ignore the elephant in the room, because usually all family members already know it’s there.

Just talk to your kids in an age-appropriate non-harming manner about things that affect their lives. This will calm them down and the whole family needs that.

#4 RESPONSIVE PARENTS ENCOURAGE FREEDOM, INCLUSIVENESS, AND PARTICIPATION

When I say freedom I mean the sense of being free to explore things and life. To enjoy and not live in fear. To learn to do things in their own way. To become more and more independent.

But also some personal physical space and space for expressing themselves. A place where they can be who they are and be accepted for it.

But at the same time have clear limitations that are good for everyone because this way they learn how to differentiate right from wrong.

So it’s clear now that freedom goes hand in hand with inclusiveness and participation. They should feel included in their own homes, but also in the community, in society, and this is sometimes troubling.

The reasons why some families can be and feel excluded can be ethnic, financial (poverty), demographic, personal characteristics such as gender, a certain disability or sexual orientation, and some/all of it combined, etc. See more about intersectionality here.

So it can get pretty complex, which is why we should never give up fighting for our freedom and rights, but also the rights of others considering all of it can take a toll on our kids.

The more exclusive the society is, the more risk there is for an individual kid to be harassed, unhappy, or lonely. And an individual adult in general, too.

If you found the information on the blog helpful & inspirational and you feel like giving back, you can do it by clicking the donate button after entering amount you’re comfortable with. I’ll use it to create and deliver more useful content and resources like this. Thanks for your precious contribution!

PARTICIPATION AS A QUESTION AND A SOLUTION

When it comes to participation, this is one of my favorite topics on this planet of ours! The reason for it is the fact that if anything can change the world that’s participation for sure!

If anyone could have a saying about things that affect their life, our world would be a happier, more safe, and more free place.

This is especially the case for children, because, throughout a child’s childhood, any child can count maybe a couple of times (if any) when it had a saying in things that are happening around them.

And it’s super important because kids:

• do have an opinion,
• are very reasonable,
• and the most important thing is, they know what they’re talking about because they live their lives every day!

Try to remember your childhood. How many times have adults asked you what do you think should be done (and actually LISTENED!) about for example your school program, your teachers, your community, neighborhood, etc?

They know how they feel or what they think about things that are happening to them! And they’re waiting for the adults to give them the opportunity to express themselves and then take them into consideration.

Kids’ insights are precious.

And the biggest issue here is that our societies are not yet developed enough because their mindset hasn’t yet come to accept this.

Even though since 1989 (article 12 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child), we are all obligated to treat children as competent individuals and respect a child’s right to participate in all decision-making that affects their lives.

And now let’s see just a few guidelines I wrote for you:

You avoid teaching them they should fear the world around them too much. Rather you teach them what it means to be careful, conscious, and cautious.And to confront their fears.

They’ll learn from your behavior the best. Be mindful of your actions and reactions.

You are reliable and dependable so they know they will be safe.

You encourage their participation in decision-making and events whenever you can because this is a sign of respect and validation.

You help them shape their cultural and other identities.

You make them feel loved, respected, and valuable in situations when their identity intersects with age, race, religion, sexuality, disability, etc.

If you find these quotes I provided for you useful check out the extended version in my blog post How to Show Your Child You Care.

A QUICK REMINDER ABOUT RESPONSIVE PARENTING

This doesn’t mean you’ll be able or that you have to always excel at everything in every moment. And you’ll make mistakes and learn along the way as we all do.

Also, it’s not possible to satisfy every child’s need at every moment, and it’s not even advisable. Parenting is situational.

But what matters as well is that you learn to differentiate a mistake from a behavioral pattern and then treat it the right way.

And keep in mind that the way you look at this can be deceptive. This means:

1. you could be exaggerating and overreacting about mistakes, and it could continue to torture you endlessly
2. you could also have a habit to minimize the problem and see a pattern as a mistake because it’s hard for you to face it

If you can’t be sure, ask for an honest opinion, but be prepared and open to really hearing the truth.

What’s important is the fact that if we slip now and then this won’t affect your child’s life quality too much or even at all. Or a child-parent relationship.

Especially if you talk to them and explain things. Kids will know you are there for them, and that’s what matters the most.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL WARMTH AND RESPONSIVENESS

Speaking of patterns, now it’s time to put your (or some other parent’s) emotional warmth and responsive parenting in perspective. For this, you can use the next 4 pointers or indicators (adaptation based on Bentovim, et al, 2009).

In order not to burden the blog post and (your precious mind) with more information, I’ve pointed out only positives and issues to make it easier for you.

Let’s see what are the signs of emotional warmth and responsiveness and what are some issues you need to deal with so you can become emotionally warm and responsive.

1. HOW MUCH CONSISTENCY YOU SHOW IN YOUR RESPONSIVENESS AS A RESULT OF RECOGNIZING THE CHILD’S EMOTIONS

Positives:

• Emotional warmth and balanced closeness
• You handle your emotions properly and you’re in balance
• You are tolerant enough
• You respond to the child´s emotion accordingly and the child can predict it
• You show your emotions and they are clear and understandable
• You show you understand or trying to understand
• You know how to reassure the child
• You know how to teach a child to handle emotions

Issues:

• You lack empathy or/and have an emotional deficiency in general
• You lack understanding of your child’s emotions
• You lack consistency in emotional responses to your child’s emotion or action
• You’re usually/always flooded with your emotions and all ”over the place”
• Your tolerance threshold for frustration is too low
• You aren’t able to teach a child to handle his emotions
• You’re not showing and sharing your emotions at all
• You’re refusing your child emotionally and physically most of the time
• You’re cold and distant
• You’re a constant critic
• You’re over punishing
• You’re humiliating your child
• You’re manipulating your child´s emotions
• You’re physically and psychologically violent to the other parent (the child is also the victim of this violence)
• You’re abusive of the child
• You are alienating your child from its other parent or significant relative or person, etc.

2. HOW YOU EVALUATE AND THEN RESPOND TO THE CHILD’S EMOTIONAL TONE

Positives:

• You’re usually assertivein responding
• You’re showing you are respectful of the child
• You’re supporting the child
• You’re accepting the child and showing him how to accept herself/himself
• You’re caring
• You’re reassuring
• You’re empowering and strengthening the child

Issues:

• You’re not assertive enough
• You are too passive and demure
• You ignore the child
• You avoid the child
• You reject the child
• You humiliate the child
• You’re patronizing
• You are offensive
• You are attacking
• You are hostile

3. WHAT KIND OF TONE YOU’RE USING WHEN YOU COMMUNICATE WITH THE CHILD IN GENERAL, AND WHAT ATMOSPHERE YOU’RE CULTIVATING

Positives

• Your tone is balanced and positive
• You manage to remain calm and put together enough
• The atmosphere mostly feels certain, friendly, positive, warm, and calm
• You keep your composure

Issues

• Your tone is negative so are your emotions
• Your tone is panicking and alarming
• Your tone is aggressive and hostile
• The atmosphere, in general, is unpleasant
• The atmosphere is hostile
• The atmosphere is too chaotic and stressful
• The atmosphere is too uncertain
• The atmosphere is fearful and scary

4. HOW SUPPORTIVE AND ENGAGED YOU ARE WHILE MANAGING TO ADDRESS THE TENSION BETWEEN INDEPENDENCE AND DEPENDENCE IN PROVIDING THAT

Positives:

• You stand by your child and show interest
• You´re devoted to your child
• Your expectations of your child are reasonable and properly balanced (hugh but not too high, and not too low)
• You respect your child as a person
• You show up and show support
• You are respecting your child´s boundaries and the need for balanced privacy/separation
• You supervise the child properly
• You properly understand the constant tension between independence and dependence
• You don´t run over the balance between the need for dependence and independence

Issues:

• You’re ignoring the child and you’re not included
• You’re not supportive of the child
• You’re exploitative of the child
• You’re putting the child down
• You’re humiliating and offensive
• You’re intrusive
• You’re over interfering
• You’re over caring, over protecting mixed with pressuring
• You’re fearful of confrontation with the child
• You’re verbally and/or physically attacking the child
• You’re too dependent on your child
• You’re making the child too dependent
• You’re forcing the child to be too independent
• The child’s and parent’s roles intertwine and crisscross
• The child switched the role with the parent

Again, just remember we’re talking about what happens on average, what’s the usual, and what’s happening most of the time, we’re not trying to be robots of course :).

Feel free to use these pointers to try to analyze where you stand.

And keep an open mind. It’s the regularity in responsiveness that counts, not the exceptions.

In many periods, especially if we’re going through a certain personal or family crisis, it’s common and usual that our parenting gets affected by it.

Just keep going.

WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR FINDINGS TO UPGRADE YOUR LEVEL OF RESPONSIVE PARENTING

Firstly, you need to congratulate yourself you’ve come this far because this way you’re already moving towards change and dealing with all of this. Well done!

Secondly, you should write down your most important conclusions so you won’t forget them.

And of course, now that you have these 4 pointers, you can continue to be mindful of it all. And you can follow your progress, too.

Also, write down HOW YOU FEEL about the things you’ve learned about yourself and your situation.

But also write down how you feel about all THE OTHERS included in this situation.

This will help you integrate the cognitive and emotional parts of your findings. And that’s crucial in moving past where you are now. Also, it’ll help in resolving any conflicts with others connected to the issue you’ve spotted.

After you’ve done that go through the next questions:

What brought the issue?
How can you contribute to change?
What do you need to make a change?
What is your level of motivation to make a change now?
Is this a good time? Can you make it a priority at this moment?
Are there other aspects of your parenting that need your attention more at the moment?
Or is this aspect of parenting going to be positively (or negatively) affected after something else gets finished (that you’re going through right now)?
What’s the first step you should take?

And so on and so forth. Keep asking yourself the important questions.

Block some time to answer these questions, and more that’ll come to mind and are related to your specific situation and will help to make a change.

Try with 15 minutes. Just 15 minutes in your day or your week, that’s not too much either way.

And if you’re interested in taking a step further, and learning how adapting your approach to parenting can automatically make you a responsive parent, check out the program Conscious Parenting mastery. Follow this link to learn more about it.

And if you need more guidelines and structure, let me mention something that will support you in focusing on connecting with a child, instead of focusing on correcting a child, for a kid to thrive in life. It’s a program called Conscious Parenting Mastery, hosted on the Mindvalley platform.

CONSCIOUS PARENTING MASTERY BY DR. SHEFALI

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FINAL THOUGHTS ON RESPONSIVE PARENTING

I hope this post on responsive parenting was helpful and useful to you, and that you can utilize it to your advantage and for your best interest. But also in the best interest of your children.

Remember, you’re doing your very best at this moment so shout out to you! Well done for everything you’ve been through, you’ve learned and accomplished. Just keep going.

And remember there’s always more place to learn, improve, and become the version of a parent you want to be. Speaking of which, don’t forget to check out Conscious Parenting Mastery to achieve exactly that.