First of all, let me say that I was quite surprised at how untouched this subject is online! Of course, the majority of issues raising teenagers stem from them being disrespectful, but does everyone else know what to do when someone disrespects your teenager? I’m new to the party? Or do most people just not think anything of this or do anything about it?
This happened to us today. My teens mow lawns. One client is quite particular about the way he wants his lawn mowed, and maybe not always the clearest communicator. That said, he has also been very patient with our sons, as this is their first mowing job large enough for them to need to use heavy, large, lawn equipment and at the client’s expense. He has always been kind for the most part and our sons have enjoyed working for him…until today, when he became quite angry with them and did not treat them respectfully, using profanity and yelling at them.
We don’t use profanity in our house, so you can imagine that this was quite shocking for them! It was also humiliating and hurtful.
We’ve only had to deal with this type of situation a couple of other times at my son’s other workplace. But what’s a mom to do when someone disrespects her teenager in such a way?
Well, these are the things I did…and because it’s a little murky, I just pray that it was right! (But it did lead to a positive outcome!)
5 Things to Do When Someone Disrespects Your Teenager:
- Do NOT Go All Mama Bear!—
I brought lunch to my sons at their mowing job and instantly, I could tell that one was fighting back tears, while the other was fighting back anger. They each mumbled at separate times, “I’m quitting this job!” At the time, I had no idea what had happened, but it was obvious from both of them, and their client, that things weren’t good.
I cannot tell you how difficult it was for me to leave my youngest son there with his lunch beating back every emotion that was trying to rise to the surface. I quickly whispered, “You can get through this. God will give you the strength to finish the job.”
And then I prayed fervently for them and for the whole situation. Every part of me wanted to load them up in the van and leave with them. Had I done that, though, what would they have learned? That quitting is okay? That if someone disrespects you, you can walk out on your job? That any time someone makes you angry, Mommy will come and rescue you?
Yeah. None of those things are life lessons that I wanted for my sons. So, I had to fight the urge to rescue them and instead, offer encouragement and prayer.
By making them stay, I sent them the messages, “I believe in you;” and “I trust God to take care of you.” A very different message than packing them up and leaving would have sent.
**It DEFINITELY depends on what type of disrespect you are dealing with too! In this case, it wouldn’t have been appropriate to rescue my teens. However, had the disrespect put them in danger, or been sexually charged in any way–it would definitely be a different story!
- Teach Your Teen to Empathize—
In this situation, there is a huge need for empathy. The man they mow for would far rather be keeping up his yard himself, but due to fairly new disabilities, and really crummy circ*mstances, he simply can’t. I asked my sons to imagine what that must be like for him—to have done all of his own work since he was a kid and now to have to rely on someone else for help. Or how it must feel to wake up every day with more health issues than you can count.
I also asked them to remember that working for this client has been a positive experience, overall. Is it okay for someone to have a bad day? We all do! Does it make it okay for him to speak to them that way? No. It doesn’t justify, but it’s also a good reminder for them that their words are not justified just because they are having bad days either!
- Expect Them to Show Respect and Kindness Regardless—
Of course, it is difficult to show respect and kindness in return when someone is really chewing you out! But your teens are not entitled to being shown respect from adults. Now, before you hop on the comments to rip me apart for that statement, hear me out.
Kids and teenagers do not need to be put down and belittled by an employer. I’m not saying that’s okay. But what I am saying is that your teen has no control over how someone else treats him; however, he can show respect to his elders and authorities, including his employer, just because that’s the right thing to do.
It is NOT EASY! It’s incredibly difficult! But what happens when we answer disrespect with respect? What happens when we answer harsh words with gentle ones?
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
Oh, how true this is! Teach this concept to your children at a young age and remind them (and yourself!) of it often! It is especially true when someone disrespects your teenager.
Another thing to remember is that if you’re dealing with someone who does not know the Lord, it is even more important! I explained to my sons that maybe this is their mission field and by listening, and showing respect, they were able to shine a little bit of Christ’s light into their client’s life.
- Teach Them to Finish Out Commitments—
Today, both of my sons wanted to quit the job and I didn’t blame them! But they made a commitment to mow for this client this summer and if they quit now, it would really leave their client in a lurch. (Not to mention hurting their own business’s reputation!) They need to finish out their commitment, regardless. If they decide not to take the job again next summer, if they are asked, that’s a different story, but for now, they are committed.
Also, it is important real-life work experience. If you quit every job at which someone hurts your feelings, mistreats you, or even swears at you, you will never have a job! Don’t teach your child to be a victim. Instead, help him to see the things that he can change and then teach him to persevere!
I also cannot stress the importance of remembering that there is ALWAYS more to the story! And 90% of the time, an adult will tell you a much different story than the kid will. Again, do not go all mama bear—and definitely not before you know the rest of the story!
- Take the High Road, but Don’t Be Doormats—
Even though you need to teach your children all of these above points, that does not mean you should teach them to be doormats. They don’t need to roll over and take a verbal beating whenever someone is upset…just because they’re kids! That’s so wrong!
In this situation, we felt it best for our guys to stick out the day and finish the job, but when my husband got home, we discussed everything that went on from their perspectives and mine, and then he jumped in the car to go talk with the client.
He got his side of the story, which was MUCH different than our sons’ interpretations, but not because they were lying as much as they did not understand the situation from the client’s perspective. Remember that we speak as adults, but they hear as children? Yep. That’s pretty much what happened in the situation.
And though there were legitimate reasons to be frustrated with our kids, he also admitted that some of it was displaced anger.
I was so thankful that my husband took the initiative to just go out and talk to him face to face, as adults. Because he and I can relay some of the issues to our kids in ways that they understand and help remedy the situation.
It also taught our kids that we still have their backs! And that even though they are young men, it’s okay to seek help for a situation that is difficult to handle.
I do think that too many parents give their children the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, when really, the adult in charge probably deserves it. Kids make mistakes! They do things that FRUSTRATE us…but we think, “How could my perfect little angel possibly frustrate someone else?” Nope. That’s not helpful…and definitely not truth!
Thankfully, in this situation, all’s well that ends well! And actually through his discussion with their client, my husband realized just how much their client cares about our sons! He was worried about them because the day had gone so poorly; he truly cared that they were so shaken. So, what started as a really tough situation had a very positive outcome!
Final Thoughts for When Someone Disrespects Your Teenager
It is so important to remember that our kids, yes, even our teenagers, are watching how we respond to situations. Remember that it is easy to make respect an idol. We don’t want our teenagers to do this…so we can’t do this either.
A year later, my sons had decided that they would not seek to work for this client again, but if he asked for them back, they would take the job. He did ask for them back. And he made it abundantly clear how thankful and happy he was that they were willing to come back.
They are developing more of a friendship this year, consequently, and it has become even more clear that this couple really does care about our sons. In fact, one of my sons said, “I hope he doesn’t think he has to pay me just for my company. I’d spend time with him for free.”
If we had allowed our sons to let emotions rule that day, this would have had a much more negative outcome!
Whenever you can, find out the other side of the story. Yes, your kids may have messed up! And if you do find yourself in a similar situation, really just stop and think before you react. When someone disrespects your teenager (or a younger child too!), a response will go much further than a reaction every single time!
RElated: Teaching Kids Respect for Authority
